I don't mean to leave out the rest of you urb- and 'burbanites here; only to recount this latest of gems from Time Out New York, the publication that, through thick and thin, has unerringly been there to provide me with biweekly late-breaking intelligence on which lesser-manicured bodily orifices may be waxed for under $58 at boutiques with names like "Sasha." You can't put a price on knowledge like that.*
Anyway, earlier this month, Time Out ventured into the field of career solicitude, introducing psychologist-person Dr. Debbie, an individual who bravely and single-handedly smashes the boundaries of a formerly staid profession by being pictured in a cartoon booth. As if that weren't enough to convince you of the magnitude of this courageous pioneer's gifts to society, let us consider a nugget of her advice to one of Manhattan's job-seeking, 22-year-old Samantha Ringstaff, determined to become a professional contemporary dancer but forestalled by the combination of toilet-bound economy and cutthroat industry.
Dr. Debbie will make it better!:
"Dr. Debbie says: It's important that Samantha stays positive and focused on her goal. She should create a vision board -- a place where she posts pictures of her goals (dance imagery) and encouraging words (I've made it to Broadway, etc.) -- and look at it every day. She can take ten minutes at different times during the day to recite positive affirmations in the form of 'I am...' (not 'I wish...,' 'I want...'); for example, 'I am a great dancer.'")
Listen up, all you jobless: it's high time you stopped all your wimpmeister whining just because the economy has left you without your weenie-butt "artistic fulfillment" and "intellectual stimulation" and "financial security" and "food." Wallowing time is over! Dr. Debbie commands that you get up off your "butt" (assuming that (a) you can dislodge yourself from the "cardboard box" you now call home and (b) you have not already pawned your "butt" to pay for one delicious, delicious meal of "Slim Jims") and create yourself a "vision board" from whatever materials** happen to be available to you! Then, and only then, will you achieve the goal of each and every job-seeker in these troubled times: namely, you will have a vision board.
ASK DR. SNARK
Q. Well, okay, but what if I can't feed myself?
A. We suggest developing motor skills.
Q. But I sold mine to pay for medication for my small ailing child, Braner.***
A. We feel your pain.
A. Mmm, nah.
Q. Will reciting positive affirmations really help me achieve job security?
A. It depends.
Q. On what?
A. On whether you are a LITTLE PINK CAAAAARE BEEEEEAR WITH A RAAAAAINBOW ON ITS CHE-E-E-E-E-EST FROM THE MAAAAAGICAL LAAAND OF CAAAAAARE-A-LOT COPYRIGHT THE EIGHTIES, THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, UNDER POTENTIAL THREAT OF WHOM I SWE-E-E-EAR I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING CALLED A "CARE BEAR," SIGNED, DR. SNARK.
A. We said you should look into the exciting field of new media.
Q. What is "new media?"
A. It is media that is not as old as "old media." As opposed to old media, it is comparatively new.
Q. May I recite positive affirmations about it; for example, "I am a great dancer?"
A. Not near Dr. Snark.
Q. But what if I'm not actually a great dancer?
A. Then the Care Bears, who do not tolerate lies, will have you killed. (DR. SNARK HAS NEVER HEARD OF THE CARE BEARS. DR. SNARK HAS NEVER HEARD OF ANY ENTITY ASSOCIATED WITH THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ESPECIALLY NOT THE GREAT FESTERING PIECE OF SNOT KNOWN AS "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, THE BROADWAY MUSICAL," SO PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.)
Q. But what about Braner?
A. You again?
That is all for today's informative edition of "Ask Dr. Snark." If we have helped but one job-seeker today, we will be very surprised. Not that we will let this get us down or anything, because we are a great dancer.
* Actually, you can: $47.50 at "Sasha."
** Such as, for example, maggot hide. What, does Dr. Debbie have to think of everything FOR YOU???
*** DISCLAIMER: Please be advised that small ailing children are not funny. Unless they are named "Braner."
©2009 Nicola McEldowney
The Snark Ascending